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The Cheesiest Christmas Poem Ever

December 13, 2011

‘Twas two weeks before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring …

… or sifting, or rolling out, or frosting, or sprinkling with edible glitter, or anything of that nature. And by “creature,” I mean me.  I wanted to make edible holiday gifts for everyone on my list. But,

I hadn’t the faintest idea what to bake,
and quite frankly I struggled to just stay awake.
For some reason, at parties, I always consume
more cookies than anyone else in the room.
So I in my Snuggie and fuzzy sweatshirt
curled up on the sofa to sleep off dessert.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter. (Yes, I kept the Snuggie on.)

A grey Humboldt Fog hovered thick in the street,
and everything smelled just a little like feet.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?
Something way, way, way cooler than tiny reindeer.

‘Twas the Santa of Cheese! Jolly old Saint-André!
And one-hundred-one cheeses were pulling his sleigh!
As fast as Ferraris, the cheeses, they came,
and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now Feta! Now Chevre! Now Gouda! Gruyère!
On Muenster! On Stilton! And on Camembert!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now slice away, shred away, melt away all!”

And the cheeses combined, and the mixture, it grew
to a fifty-foot wave of the finest fondue!
(At this point you ask: Is she on LSD?
I reply: Heed The Beatles, and just let it be.)

And who should appear at the window just then
but old Saint-André, in his sleigh, hanging ten.
His inside, so creamy! His outside, so moldy!
He shook when he laughed like a bowl …
full of Saint-André.

Mmmm …. bowl full of Saint-André …

Where was I? Oh yes.

His inside, so creamy! His outside, so moldy!
His eyes triple-twinkled! He smiled, and told me:
“Give baked cheese galore to your whole entourage.
There is no greater gift than the gift of fromage!”

Tossed my Snuggie aside! To the kitchen I flew!
A fit and a flurry of flour! Achoo!
I made these blue cheese bites, which you might recall.
(They’re a little lopsided, but aren’t we all?)

For cousins and colleagues, for nice and for naughty,
I baked up some parmesan-pepper biscotti.

And here’s a humdinger, an instant cheer-spreader:
Addictive cream scones filled with apples and cheddar.
Dear old Saint-André took a package to go.
(Seeing all that fondue makes you hungry, you know?)

And I heard him exclaim as he surfed through the trees,
“Merry Christmas to all …

And to all a good recipe!:

Blue Cheese Bites: Some topped with storebought fig preserves,
some with homemade cranberry jam

Parmesan Black-Pepper Biscotti

Apple and Cheddar Scones

The nuts in the kitchen photo (as opposed to the nut behind the camera) are Martha Stewart’s Sweet and Spicy Almonds. They take about 15 minutes to make, and are a snacktime staple in my house this time of year. They also make a nice garnish for salads, if you need a break from cheese. Strange … I haven’t needed one yet.

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